I just got a job interview!

The hardest thing about this is losing my default friend. I don't even mean that in a bad way. It feels nice to have someone you know you can hang with without having formal plans and you know it will be fun/easy. Usually on a night like this when I didn't have any plans with friends I would be over at Jon's house. I'm sure he would still let me come over, but he has Andrew this weekend, and I don't think that will help him understand the whole breakup thing if I am still always over there. It's just finally sinking in that I'm alone now as opposed to being part of a couple. I thought I was so ~independent~ before because I live alone and I did spent a lot of nights here by myself perfectly content. But I guess I knew I at least had one other option. Even if J and I are BFFs, the whole we-ness is still gone.

This is probably a really necessary thing for me to go through but it's even harder because he called me in panicky tears a couple mornings ago basically telling me that he wanted all the same things I did but he was scared to give them to me because he was afraid and that he would be ready if we ever got back together. So part of me wanted to be like, "Oh okay, let's forget about the whole breakup thing and start effing." I had to remind myself that this happened for a lot of reasons and even if we do get together later, the time apart will be good for both of us. This experience has just brought us oddly closer together. We had ~relationship talks~ before but nothing really came of them because I guess the possibility of breaking up didn't really seem real, or maybe to him it seemed too real that he froze and pulled away.

I don't know how to make a healthy transition to friendship since we both obviously still have feelings for each other and we're not trying to date other people right away, so we don't really know what our boundaries are. I know we should probably establish them, but I also kind of wouldn't mind if he showed up at my house naked.

Oh, and I have no idea how to meet new people since I am socially awkward and don't believe I am attractive even though logically I know that I am.

To whine about something else, I have been totally into Bill Bryson books lately because they're so entertaining/interesting, but I looked up some reviews today and apparently they're riddled with factual errors. I had kind of noticed it because some of his American Revolution stuff didn't really match up with this other book I'd just read, but the other book was for kids so I kind of figured that was the one that was wrong, even though I trust that author more. Anyway it's kind of a bummer because I won't enjoy reading him as much when I know that not all he's saying is accurate.

Sorry to be such a Debbie Downer. Womp womp womp.

Jon and I broke up. I didn't mean to do it tonight; it just kind of happened. I'm sad but okay. I'm still totally not sure if it's the right decision or not, but as I told him, I've had all these doubts and been really indecisive about us, and so far my indecision has resulted staying together, which hasn't really changed the doubts. He agreed with me about a lot of things, like that neither of us are ready to make a life commitment. It was actually a really nice conversation and he was really great about me, which just made me even more sad that I was breaking up with this great guy. We're going to try to stay friends. I really have no idea how this breakup thing works or the transition from relationship to friendship or how to be single at all, really, so I guess we'll have to play it by ear. I just hope that it does work out and we can stay in each other's lives. I told him I still wanted to see Maslow, too.

Because how could I say goodbye to this?


Here is possibly the ugliest picture of Jon and me, ever. Clearly we were a match made in heaven.


Well, anyone have any advice on how to be single? I haven't been since I was 17 :/

I realized yesterday when trying to wash my face that I never got the gas set up at my apartment, so I have no hot water until Wednesday. Luckily I don't require frequent bathing, anyway, but I will probably need to shower at least once before Wednesday afternoon. I'm not THAT gross.

I'm buying a new TV! The one I have now is maybe 13" and approximately 413 years old so on a whim I decided to get this 24" flat screen from someone on Craigslist (I'm also buying his TV stand and vacuum) for $80. I don't usually get excited about electronics, but I have to admit I'm a little excited about this TV.

I also got a slipcover but the pillows I wanted to match are sold out or something. Anyone know where I can buy big pillows (like 24x24)?

Comment to this post saying that you want to play and I'll give you five subjects/things I associate with you. Then post in your LJ and elaborate on the subjects given.
mine from mrselfman

Libraries: I really do think libraries are pretty awesome. When I first thought of becoming a librarian, it was sort like, "Hmmm, I like books, what can I do with that?" but now I have actually really gotten into the democratic ideals of free access to information and all that. There's just so much cool shit that libraries can do for you, and most people don't even know about it. I didn't, until I started my grad program. Also I really love all the weirdos at the public library. I don't know; something about drunken homeless people, small Asian children, and clueless old ladies all needing my help is very amusing and gratifying to me. I also just really like helping people, which you might not guess from having casual conversation with me because I can be very bitchy and sarcastic or just quiet and withdrawn--not the most obvious "people person." Also, As an aside about libraries, people are always giving me books or bookstore gift cards, but I'm so into libraries now that I never buy any books. I can never decide if I should buy stuff I want to read again (I hardly ever reread, even really really good things), stuff I haven't read, stuff that I will reference, whatever. It's such a commitment to buy rather than check out so my indecisiveness really kicks in.

Weight loss: I was always chubby growing up, but looking back, it was probably mostly that I was just BIGGER in general than most kids because I was really, really tall, but at the time I just thought I was ~the fat girl~ and it was obviously no fun. I still have issues with it. Early in high school I lost about 15 pounds through a mix of healthy and non-healthy means but I was never exactly ED. I maintained it for a while, but I put all of it and then some back on in college when I topped out at 168 pounds the summer after I graduated. I decided I would stop looking at weight gain as inevitable and actually start trying in earnest to lose weight, so I started working out almost every day and eating a lot better, and over a couple months I lost about 20 pounds. Since then my weight has fluctuated depending mostly on how busy and stressed I am. When I have more free time, I take better care of myself. I'm a little heavier right now than I'd like to be (a little over 150) but I'm not obsessed with obtaining a certain weight or anything. I realize that to other people I'm not fat at all so I try to be objective about it even though sometimes I look in the mirror and hate myself.

Relationships: Jon is the only real boyfriend I've ever had. Sometimes I've made comments about regretting our relationship just because I met him when I was so young and I've literally never been with anyone else seriously. I think I've missed out on a lot of experiences because of this, but I've never wanted to break up because he's such a great guy and we get along so well. I have doubts that he's ~the one~ but it seems silly to lose him forever so I can be miserable missing him/being alone/dating d-bags just so I appreciate him more. Then again, it could end up being a good thing. I honestly don't know what will happen with him but I do love him so much, so, yeah, I don't know.

What I wear on a daily basis: Since I've gotten a more professional job, I dress less creatively. My wiwt posts are pretty indicative: some kind of sweater + skirt or dress, sometimes with a shirt, sometimes the shirt has a tie front. I do wear pants sometimes but those outfits are usually boring. Like, I'll wear a button down and trousers. Fancy. I can't wear jeans at work which gives me this compulsion to wear them whenever I'm not working, so lately I have been wearing wide-leg jeans with an old man v-neck, summer scarf, and boat shoes on off days a lot.

Something I do every day that no one would ever guess: Probably all my gross habits. I pick my nose a lot and I'm pretty gassy. I don't shower every day. Sometimes I forget to brush my teeth. That kind of thing. I'm pretty open about my grossness with friends but I think strangers or coworkers would be surprised since I usually look pretty put together.

Yours?

I just moved and I'm so tired and I want to take a nap but I can't because I'm washing my bedding at my old house and my bed is no longer here, and even if it was... I'm washing my bedding.

I'm really excited for the new place, though. After we finished moving my parents bought me some flowers for my balcony. I still don't have a TV stand or coffee table, but I'm not too worried about that because I don't watch much TV anyway. I'll post pictures once I have things unpacked and arranged how I want them. I might just be lazy tonight and crash at J's, though, because I honestly don't feel like doing anything else moving-wise and I haven't really spent any time with him in ages. Hopefully he'll want to come over tomorrow while I unpack.

Yesterday he did go with me to buy a microwave from someone on Craigslist, because Tricia got me all freaked out by telling me about this Craigslist killer on the East coast. She got the story totally wrong and told me some guy was killing girls who bought furniture from him when it was really just somebody killing hookers (and there's nothing new about THAT), but she told me this while I was emailing the microwave man so I got kinda freaked and made J go with me. The microwave man turned out to be very amiable and not at all murderous, though, so it was fine.

I keep having these nagging thoughts that I should go to law school, which is I think only because every time the thing I have planned to do with my life starts to become real, I freak out and change my mind. But I do genuinely think I would be good at law school and practicing law in some capacity. Lord knows it would make my father proud, and in some ways it would satisfy my own pride by having a prestigious intellectual career. Even I don't really value the profession of librarianship, so I don't really think I can do it for life, and if I were to pursue something that would require additional schooling, I would want to do it while I'm young. The cons are, of course, that I have no idea how I would pay for it, and if I started as a 1L in fall 2011, which is the earliest I think I could go because I think I should probably work as a librarian for at least a year, right, I would be 28 when I graduated, which isn't OLD, but I think it's older than a lot of people in law school and... I don't know. Why did I go to library school? Bleh. I think I might be the most indecisive person ever. Who's to say that even if I did go to law school that that would be the end of it? What if in 3L I decide I want to be a doctor, or an accountant? It could happen.

My waking life and dreams have been consumed with thoughts of home decor. I'm seriously excited for my new place. And every time Bo is being an asshole (which is always), I just look at him and think about how in a few short weeks I will no longer live with the goddamn dog and I instantly feel better.

I'm getting a loveseat from my parents' house that is kind of ugly (I picked it out when I was 8 and it has hardly been used since), so I'm planning on putting a chocolate brown slipcover on it and these pillows (it's a loose back):

and probably some tan-ish colored small pillows.

Also this rug as a sort of welcome mat/shoe corner marker:


And this hook thingie from Urban!


I'm also getting some dining chairs from my parents and I'll probably just get a wood-veneer folding table to start.

Those are all the decisions I've made so far, ha. I keep trolling Craigslist for furniture but I have no way of picking up anything unless it fits in a Ford Focus (which isn't much when we're talking furniture) so it might be kind of a lost cause; at least new stuff can be delivered. I might see what I can find garage-sale wise while I have the truck, or just wait until college move-out weekend and scoop some stuff up from off the curb (nothing upholstered, though!).

And bangs, for your time.

I'm about to get bangs!

This is one of the pictures I'm giving the stylist for reference. I kind of want to ask for her boobs, too, but I don't think they can help me there.


I will post pictures later unless it turns out awful. And probably if it does turn out awful also, actually.

I'm working on my comps (comprehensive exams--like the final of my Master's degree) this week. We have 4 questions and 8 days to do them. I have 3 drafts done so I feel okay about it. They're not due until Monday but I am still wasting way too much time.

I'm nervous!

I am having an intense puppy craving right now.

THERE IS A DUDE IN MY HOUSE WORKING ON MY TOILET AND I'M HOME ALONE AND IT'S VERY UNCOMFORTABLE. Also the dog is in a cage because otherwise he would try to rip the toilet-man's face off and then run out the door, so instead he is just keeping up a sustained whine that occasionally escalates to a yelp. I feel bad for him :(

Yesterday I started a practicum at my old high school and it was weird and boring and I don't think it's going to be very fun :/ All I got to do was check out books and put barcodes on things. But it is only once a week so I'll survive.

Stolen from mrselfman.

What are your middle names?
Sarah Elaine and David Jon Roy

How long have you been together?
6 years 1 month

How long did you know each other before you started dating?
2-3 months in person, like 6 months online

Who asked whom out?
I don't know? I guess he was pushing more for us to meet since I kinda had a ~thing~ going with somebody else at the time.

How old are each of you?
I'm 23; he's 38.

Whose siblings do you see the most?
I guess my brother even though we hardly see him anymore. We used to do a bunch of family brunches or dinners when he still lived here, but he moved away :(

Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple?
Probably the fact that I like to be social and he doesn't. We are both pretty big homebodies but I like to get out and do stuff a lot more than he does, and it bothers me that I always have to be the one to plan it.

Did you go to the same school?
Actually, J went to Miami for grad school way before I went there for undergrad, so kind of? And Miami has a ridiculously high marriage rate among its graduates, so I wonder if they would still consider us a "Miami Merger" since we weren't there at the same time.

Are you from the same home town?
Nope. He grew up outside Akron, Ohio, and I'm from Columbia, MO.

Who is smarter?
I think he is smarter; he thinks I am smarter. He knows more things but sometimes I am better at figuring things out. We are both really smart, though.

Who is the most sensitive?
ME.

Where do you eat out most as a couple?
lol probably someplace like Applebee's. We don't really go out on special dates anymore. It's just like, "Wanna grab something to eat?"

Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple?
Missouri ----> Los Angeles

Who has the craziest exes?
Probably him, since the girl he dated when was like 16 has been trying to get in contact with him because she is unhappily married and fondly remembers him as her ~first love~. But luckily, neither one of us has a super crazy ex.

Who has the worst temper?
Me, but I rarely get angry with him.

Who does the cooking?
We both do. If we're having something real and not frozen or out of a box, it's me.

Who is the neat-freak?
He is. I try to keep his place neat, and sometimes I clean it while he's gone, but I am a slob and he isn't.

Who is more stubborn?
He is. But he might say I am.

Who hogs the bed?
I do. Jon usually falls asleep on the couch and he says he tries to come to bed but between me and Maslow (the cat), there is no room for him :( I tell him he can wake me up, but he refuses. (see above.)

Who wakes up earlier?
He does. It's rare for me to wake up first.

Where was your first date?
It wasn't a real date but he came with me to Wal-Mart to pick out fabric for a sewing class project.

Who is more jealous?
HIM.

How long did it take to get serious?
I think it was always serious.

Who eats more?
l do! Whenever we eat the same thing for a meal, I always have dessert or a snack later and he doesn't. But he also eats cereal and stuff late at night, so maybe he eats more than I think.

Who does the laundry?
We don't live together, so I do my own, but I will often leave clothes at his house and he washes them for me. He's done whole loads for me before when I was in college. He is generally cleaner and more hygienic than I am so he washes his clothes a lot more often. Sometimes I get upset at how often he cleans my clothes because I'll wear something once and leave it there, and he'll wash it, and I'm like, "That wasn't dirty!"

Who's better with the computer?
Him. He's a Mac wizard and has brought my computer back from the brink of death on more than one occasion.

Who drives when you are together?
Usually he does, but I do sometimes. In the winter sometimes we just go with whoever's car has been on the most recently since it will be warmer.

MY 25 RANDOM WHATEVER THINGIE

Like happenings, I keep getting tagged in these on Facebook but don't want to share this kind of stuff with people like some girl I had class with one semester, or some dude I met at a party once, so instead I will share it with the TOTAL STRANGERS that are my LJ friends. Makes sense, right?

1. I am probably the most indecisive person you will ever meet
2. Because I can always see both/multiple sides of an issue
3. And I am really easygoing (some would say apathetic), so a lot of times I genuinely don't care where we go for dinner, for example.
4. I'm good with words. Yeah, I write okay, but more than anything I get a lot of people telling me that the words I use to describe things are perfect. Ex. Me: That's so... pedestrian. Someone Else: YES THAT IS THE PERFECT WORD TO DESCRIBE IT.
5. I probably have like 50 pairs of shoes, but I only ever have about 4 in rotation at a time.
6. I was a fat kid. The ~transformation~ happened when I lost some weight right before I was going into high school, but really before that I don't think I was nearly as fat as I felt like I was. I still feel like a fat kid sometimes.
7. My favorite food is probably pizza. If that makes me seven years old, so be it. I don't get sick of it.
8. I'm studying to be a librarian but I already know I don't want to be a librarian forever.
9. I constantly revise my life plans because I am terrified of being a real grown up.
10. I can't tell if I've gotten dumber in recent years or just less ambitious.
11. I have a scar under my chin from getting stitches when I was four. I jumped in the bathtub, slipped, and split my chin open. I think it gives me a more pronounced double chin, but that is probably just me being neurotic.
12. I have never done drugs and probably will never do drugs because they don't appeal to me at all.
13. I am generally dissatisfied with my level of accomplishment in life
14. Because there are so many things I want to learn, such as languages, how to play instruments, geography (I'm really terrible), etc...
15. But I feel like I don't have time because I have to put so much effort into school, which I don't like. I don't like that I'm wasting my time doing school instead of learning fun things, and I also literally don't generally enjoy my classes.
16. But I love my grad school friends. They are the nerdiest people I've ever met and also some of the awesomest. Yeah, I have to endure a lot of discussions about Buffy, Star Trek, and LOST, but we get some pretty good banter going and I laugh a lot with them.
17. I'm pretty terrible at keeping in touch with friends/family when they're not around. It's not for lack of affection, but I am very awkward on the phone and always feel like I have to have news or there's nothing to talk about, so my far-away peeps usually get weirdo e-cards, facebook wall posts, texts, etc... from me.
18. I LOVE PUNCTUATION! I use a lot of dashes and parentheses, and of course (see above), ellipses.
19. Speaking of my chin again, I have this one coarse hair that grows out of the bottom of my chin. I've had it for years, and I always have to pluck it. I'm glad it's still only one, though.
20. I also have a slight cleft, since we're still on the topic of my chin. I like to think it makes me look distinguished.
21. I have never broken a bone...
22. Probably because I have never been very active. I played one season of JV volleyball in 9th grade but other than that, no sports or anything for me. (I also drank copious amounts of milk as a child.) <--That is a bonus fact!
23. I work out very intermittently. I will go to the gym a lot for a few weeks and then not go for months. Sometimes I stop going because I get really busy, and sometimes it's for pretty much no reason, even if I've been going a lot and feel really good about myself because of it.
24. I don't have many passions in life (see #3), but the only one I really do have is learning. If I were ever to get a tattoo, it would be "Ancora Imparo," a quote from Michelangelo that means "I am still learning."
25. But, I might cut a bitch if I read the phrase "lifelong learning" in the library literature one more time.

I am just exhausted. Maybe this whole working full-time and going to school full-time is starting to take its toll. I have two assignments due on Friday, and I just want to live in my bed.

I also just read an emotionally draining teen book for class about this girl (named Sarah) who struggles with being less talented than her peers, among other things. It ended on a hopeful note, but the end didn't really erase the vicarious/empathetic feelings of inadequacy it stirred up. Reading so many teen books probably isn't good for me; it makes me all angsty and questioning of myself and my decisions. Maybe that IS a good thing? Maybe I should've read them when I was a teenager so I could've sorted this stuff out already, ha.

I'm just as anti-censorship as any self-respecting militant librarian, but this

http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/C/CUBAN_BOOK_BAN?SITE=MOCOD&SECTION=HOME&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT&CTIME=2009-02-05-20-52-46

is not about "banning." When inaccurate books are removed from the collection it's called weeding, or deselection, and it's as important to maintaining a collection as ordering new books. Especially in a school. Oy vey. Maybe next the ACLU can whine about weeding the books that say dinosaurs are the ancestors of lizards, or that homosexuality is a psychological disorder?

I woke up on Saturday just disgusted with my hair. It had been probably 4 months since I last got it cut; the ends were so dry and damaged and my roots were like 3 inches long. I'd made an appointment before Christmas to get it cut, but I waited for 30 minutes and despite checking in twice, no one ever gave me any indication that my stylist was going to come out anytime soon, so I left.

So, I was really itching for a cut and didn't want to wait until Wednesday to get one (my next day off), so I went to Great Clips on my lunch break. I know, I know. It was a bad idea, but I really thought they couldn't screw it up too much. Wrong. I have this strange blunt-cut side-bang thing (that I definitely didn't ask for) and really hacked-looking layers. I don't even want to get it fixed because the only way to do that would be to cut like 4 more inches off, so I guess I will just deal with it and clip my "bangs" to the side. So to console myself tonight I dyed it. Maybe I'll post a picture tomorrow or something since my hair is still wet right now. I'm hoping at least the color will be pretty while I am wearing it in a ponytail for the next month or two.

Last night we had pizza, beer, and trivia at Tricia's. It was really fun, although none of us were very good at trivia. I was kicking ass early in the game; then I just hit a wall and couldn't get any of my questions. Two of my classmates started dating over break, and they were there, and it was just really funny to see them acting couple-y. I kind of doubt either of them has ever dated anyone before (they're both super nerdy, and she's a pretty big girl, and he is the most socially inept person I've ever met), but it's cute in a weird way.

Friday J and I went to see Canadian Brass. He made fun of me because like halfway through the concert I was like, "Wait, where is the French horn player's other hand? Is it inside the instrument?" I never knew that that was how French horn was played. It was a good show, though. I always expect to be much more bored at these things than I am, since I (obviously) know nothing about music, but I especially enjoyed this one. I don't know what we're seeing next.

I'm seeing Ryan Adams with Angela later this month. I thought she was like getting together a group of people to go, but it turns out it's just the two of us, which is kind of weird, especially since everybody else has started to talk about her when she's not around. I admit, I am annoyed by her sometimes, too, but it makes me really uncomfortable to be around someone after I've just been there when insulting things were said about her.

I've been thinking about starting a book review blog. I don't really expect anyone to read it, but I'd like to do ~real~ book reviews freelance at some point, so then I could point to my blog and be like "there's my ~oeuvre~." And maybe eventually I could get free books out of the deal? At least free bad books? Hmmm...

So I'm trying to do that thing where you eat ~300 calories every three hours, but I AM SO HUNGRY AND I HAVE TWO HOURS UNTIL NEXT MEAL. I am going to keep it up for a few days at least (yesterday it worked really well, but I didn't work out), but so far I'm not sold.

I love it when the weather.com forecast calls for "abundant sunshine."

On the agenda today:
-spinning
-pilates
-reading
-database training at work
-reading
-class that the reading is for

I'm afraid I might kill Angel's dog. In some ways I feel really bad for him because she doesn't spend very much time here, never takes him on walks (when he clearly needs to as he is very hyper), hasn't trained him, but he is just an asshole dog. Usually I love animals, but this one is a jerk. It's not like if I start training him it will do anything because she would have to do it too, and she won't. I feel really bad, though, because I end up getting so sick of him if I'm home that I just leave and go to J's house where I can cuddle with his superior cat. Poor Bo. :/

So I got this email from my professor last night:

Sarah,
I know this is a late notice...but, because we had no MSU students and only two MU students enrolled in 9406 for this semester, we had to cancel the course. If you need the course to graduate this semester, please let me know. I will work something out so that you can complete the course as an independent study through MSU. If you can wait till summer, you will be able to take the course online through MU from Craig Odle.
Dr. Petty

Thanks for letting me know a week before class! Now I have to decide what other class I want to take. I had previously swapped an independent study with Tricia for Library Use Instruction, but I still kinda don't want to do the independent study, so I'm thinking Internet Reference? At this point I don't need these classes to graduate, but I did need that one for school certification, and now I will either have to take 9 credits this summer (6 is a full load) or pay for one of them next year. Grumble grumble.

In some ways, I am very girly girl. In others, I might as well be a beer-drinking, football-watching, pork rinds-eating smelly man. Wedding planning is one of my mannish areas. I'm sure when it's my own wedding, I'll be all about it (make a courthouse appointment, buy a dress, done). But I am not a good bridesmaid whatsoever. Emily sent all the bridesmaids this message last night:

" At some point a few of you have asked me if there is anything you can do to help me prepare for the wedding. I need help
~with the music at the reception. I am not getting a DJ, so I need someone to be in charge of organizing a play list and help me pick out music for different important dances.
~plan a bridal shower.
~plan the bachelorette party."

Oh yeah, like "plan the bachelorette party" is one simple task. Really, I do feel bad for her trying to plan this wedding while she's in school, while she's not living here (where her wedding will be) OR with her fiancé. I just wanted to whine about how I hate doing this kind of shit and how I'm going to have to because the message went on about how a bunch of the b-maids are out of town so it might be harder for them do it. Honestly I might just volunteer for the bachelorette party because I hate showers even more. At my sister-in-law's they made us play all these stupid games, one of which involved people asking Katie questions about my brother, which was just really surreal to hear these strangers quizzing her about stuff that I obviously knew or remembered or whatever.

Okay, I'm done whining. Time for the gym.